Analyzing Charles’ Ashley Madison Profile

Some men don’t realize how important their adulterous profile is

An analysis of a man’s Ashely Madison profile and an example of a better way.
Nothing is free. You need to put in the work if you expect something good to come of it. (Photo by Aman Upadhyay on Unsplash)

To answer your first question — is this a ten minute read? Not really. I’ve repeated some things so you won’t get lost in following my analysis of Charles’ adultery site profile. You’ll see how I’ve done it, so I imagine this read is more like five minutes!

To recap, our man Charles has recently joined Ashely Madison and is having a little trouble meeting an affair partner. He asked me if I wanted to interview him about his online adulterous experiences thus far and I said yes! He then promptly answered my interview questions, which you can read about that here if you missed the article. He also provided me with a copy of his profile write-up and I offered my help.

In fact I promised him I would keep helping him until he has his first date!

The interview gave me some insight into Charles before I had a look at his profile, which helped a great deal. At first glance, I’d say his profile write-up needed a little help, but it was far from desperate.

Here’s what he sent me:

User name: Hello.Gorgeous

GREETING: Confident and Strong man

About me:

Mash, this is how I want my brain to feel when I’ve made a connection with you. I want my desire to be so powerful I can’t really think about anything else. I’m distracted at work, my sleep patterns are off, I’m working out just to stay grounded.

I daydream about tightly wrapping myself around you. I need to feel like a teenager in love, I need to awaken the part of me that’s been asleep for so so long.

I’m a technician in the entertainment industry. I work behind the scenes. Making sure that everything works.

Hobbies and interests

– I like pretty much any activity outdoors,

– I’m an adventurous eater & sophisticated traveler.

– I Fu**ing love audio book

– Ultimately I just wanna have fun,

– experience new things

– and get out of my comfort zone.

Fantasies

I find tight clothing on a woman irresistible, Particularly workout clothes. A pair of Lululemon and a tight top make me Melt. I’m not fussy about dimensions, I just want to see it all.

Let me help you cut through the clutter and bull. Very few of us guys here have the skills to provide for your, Emotional, Spiritual and Physical Needs. I’m one of them, I always bring my A game.

Anyway, enough about me, it’s your turn


Having looked it over and thought about it, I decided to ease the suspense by giving him what I thought his profile should look like upfront. I then broke his original profile down for him so he could understand my reasoning and see how I arrived at my version.

This is what I recommended:

NEW USERNAME — Something job-related.

Backstage_Man

Guy_Behind_the_Scenes — something like this suggests you’re low-key

Cableguy — a bit of dick reference here, but also suggestive of a guy in your industry

TV_Repairman — Ladies like the idea of having sex with the repairman

NEW GREETING — Something funny/cute related to your USERNAME

TV_Repairman — “Let me adjust your box.”

Cableguy — “Let me test your signal.”

Backstage_Man — “Meet me at the side door.”

Guy_Behind_the_Scenes — (this one is probably no good — it’s too long, but you get the idea)

Greetings displayed on the left two stock pictures, and no greetings displayed on the right. (Screen-caps: Author from AshleyMadison.com)

More on Greetings

What a lot of guys probably don’t realize is that if you don’t upload your own picture, your greeting will appear over the standard AM image as you see above. If you upload a picture then no greeting appears. The advantage? As she scrolls by, you get a little chance to reach out to her with your greeting, if you don’t use a picture. On a married dating site, she knows there’ll be pictures inside. This trick in writing this is called “a hook”, and this hook might be enough for her to stop and open your profile.

ABOUT ME

I’m a high libido survivor of a dead bedroom looking for an energetic mature lady to give me back my life. I need the right woman to reawaken that part of me that’s been asleep for far too long. I know it’s a tall order, but I promise I’ll be eager to please any lady willing to turn the lights back on.

I’m a low-key guy who’s used to working in an industry from behind the scenes to get things done quietly. OPSEC is as important to me as it is to you, so you can count on my discretion at all times.

We all have our own reasons to cheat. I’m not in this to use anyone unless that’s what she wants. The sex and intimacy are about filling the gaps missing from our lives. I’m not going to look at my watch or play with my phone when I’m with you. You’ll be my focus, and when you’re done, I’m done — and not before. I miss sex, but I also miss those intimate moments basking in the afterglow, holding someone close to feel their warm skin pressed against mine.

ABOUT YOU

You are an intelligent, mature woman with a good sense of humor who knows what she wants and knows how to ask for it. CPR and First Aid training will be provided as necessary. And perhaps an ability to point at what you want if you find I’m not hitting the mark in the way you like.

HOBBIES

I’ve traveled widely and am an adventurous eater. While I like outdoor activities, we won’t be doing any of that, will we? I’m looking for indoor fun in a snug little hole, hidden away from the world.

FANTASIES

Women in workout clothes are a turn-on, and I simply can’t resist a curvy lady in a tight top that frames her perfectly. I don’t care if you work out or not, but the clothes? Yes ma’am!

__________________________________

I then told Charles — “The above is based on the thoughts and comments and recommendations written below. I suggest you have a read of them, so you know how I got the above written.

As I said, I did the analysis below first and then brought it together for him and put it up front as you saw above. Like I mentioned, I wanted him to be happy about the end product before having his heart torn out.

The analysis:

User name: Hello.Gorgeous — This is your calling card. You are using valuable space that should be telling her what your brand is (ie — you), not saying hello to her. Do that in a message. This should say something about you and what you do or who you are.

Something job-related but suggestive (and then I listed them):

Backstage_Man

Guy_Behind_the_Scenes — something like this suggests you’re lowkey

Cableguy — a bit of dick reference here, but also suggestive of a guy in your industry

TV_Repairman — Ladies like the idea of having sex with the repairman

GREETING: Confident and Strong man — nope.

Something funny here is best. Show you’ve got a sense of humor. As she scrolls by, this is the first thing she sees if you don’t use a picture. In fact, this piece of real estate is more valuable with text than a picture. So match it somewhat to your User Name.

TV_Repairman — Let me adjust your box

Cableguy — Let me test your signal

Backstage_Man — Meet me at the side door

Guy_Behind_the_Scenes — (this one is probably no good — it’s too long, but you get the idea from the ones above)

About me:

Mash, this is how I want my brain to feel when I’ve made a connection with you.

No. This is a bit sappy and would likely turn me off if your username and greeting managed to draw me in.

I want my desire to be so powerful I can’t really think about anything else.

Do you want your desire to be like this, or is it like this? NO.

I’m distracted at work, my sleep patterns are off, I’m working out just to stay grounded.

I don’t get this. Is this happening now, or do you want a lady to do this to you? It sounds like you’re a stalker.

I daydream about tightly wrapping myself around you.

A little too direct. I’m reading this for the first time, and already you want to smother me. Serial Killer? No thanks.

I need to feel like a teenager in love, I need to awaken the part of me that’s been asleep for so so long.

Under no circumstances do you use the word LOVE. It makes you look needy and is a massive red flag. I get the context here, but nope, nope, nope. NOPE. No. NO. He didn’t do it, so I didn’t say anything to him, but don’t mention or bitch about your wife either. Massive turn-off.

Try this — I’m a high libido survivor of a dead bedroom looking for an energetic mature lady to give me back my life. I need the right woman to reawaken that part of me that’s been asleep for far too long. I know it’s a tall order, but I promise I’ll be eager to please any lady willing to turn the lights back on.

I’m a technician in the entertainment industry. I work behind the scenes. Making sure that everything works.

Nope. Too much personal info. I’ve changed his job title here, but he mentioned it in full. Any chance of his wife recognizing his job title if she was scrolling through AM looking for him? Of course not…

Try this — I’m a low-key guy who’s used to working in an industry from behind the scenes to get things done quietly. OPSEC is as important to me as it is to you, so you can count on my discretion at all times.

Hobbies and interests

– I like pretty much any activity outdoors,

YOU WON’T DO THIS WITH HER. Although I didn’t elaborate for him, people having affairs don’t do outdoor activities unless it’s in the backseat of a car — seriously.

– I’m an adventurous eater & sophisticated traveler.

OK, BUT YOU’LL NEVER EAT OUT OR TRAVEL. As above.

– I Fu**ing love audio book

WTF? ARE YOU PLANNING ON LISTENING TO ONE WHILE YOU FUCK? NO.

But she might like knowing you have something in common with her gran.

PRO TIP — she won’t.

– Ultimately, I just wanna have fun,

NO SHIT

– experience new things

LIKE CHEATING? NO SHIT.

– and get out of my comfort zone.

BORING.

Try this — I’ve traveled widely and am an adventurous eater. While I like outdoor activities, we won’t be doing any of that, will we? I’m looking for indoor fun in a snug hole, hidden away from the world.

Fantasies

I find tight clothing on a woman irresistible, Particularly workout clothes. A pair of Lululemon and a tight top make me Melt. I’m not fussy about dimensions, I just want to see it all.

This description is a little too specific. It tells women of larger sizes who wouldn’t be comfortable in those clothes that you’re not the man for them. When I say bigger, I’m not talking about obese but well-proportioned women with curves.

While you can like certain clothing, try not to suggest things that will make her self-conscious about wearing. Many women have body image issues, and if you are talking about bikinis, etc., some women will be too intimidated or turned off to respond, so it’s best to avoid them at all costs.

Try this — Women in workout clothes are a turn-on, and I simply can’t resist a curvy lady in a tight top that frames her perfectly. I don’t care if you work out, but the clothes? Yes ma’am.

Random Comment

Let me help you cut through the clutter and bull. Very few of us guys here have the skills to provide for your, Emotional, Spiritual and Physical Needs. I’m one of them, I always bring my A game.

Spiritual needs? You aren’t here to save them, are you? And some women just want a good fuck, and don’t need your emotional support. THIS IS THE SORT OF THING YOU’LL TALK ABOUT ONCE YOU GET GOING. SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW SHE NEEDS THIS, SO YOU MAY SCARE HER OFF.

You might think it makes you sound like a new-aged metrosexual, but really, don’t lay it on too thick. And when I said she doesn’t even know she needs this, what I should have said is she might need it and not know it. What’s more likely is that she knows what she needs, and it isn’t spiritual unless spiritual is code for cock, then yes, she knows she needs something spiritual.

Try this — We all have our own reasons to cheat. I’m not in this to use anyone unless that’s what she wants. The sex and intimacy are about filling the gaps missing from our lives. I’m not going to look at my watch or play with my phone when I’m with you. You’ll be my focus, and when you’re done, I’m done, and not before. I miss sex, but I also miss those intimate moments basking in the afterglow as I hold someone and press their skin against mine.

Anyway enough about me, it’s your turn

NO. DON’T MAKE HER TELL YOU. SHE WON’T MESSAGE YOU. TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT.

Try this — You are an intelligent, mature woman with a good sense of humor who knows what she wants and knows how to ask for it. CPR and First Aid training will be provided as necessary. And perhaps an ability to point at what you want if you find I’m not hitting the mark in the way you like.

Take away

I took the information he provided and wrote it more pleasingly. Most women aren’t looking for much, but they do like a well-written man who can form paragraphs. Why? It suggests an intellectual ability that some are looking for.

A person cannot just take what I wrote, and apply it to their own profile, and expect it to work though. It might look good, but your profile has to be a reflection of you, your interests, and your tastes. If it isn’t personalized, it will seem a little off, and if it does, it will put her off. This profile fits Charles.

Do all women look for intellect in a lover? No. But the ones who do will recognize it in a reasonably well-written profile. Those who don’t will still enjoy reading a decent profile, which might be enough to get a response.

Think of it like this: a short or poorly written profile will turn some women off who might have otherwise been interested. As Charles recognized, AM is a platform where the women are in charge. Why? Because there are fewer of them than men, so women control the play. In an environment like that, you cannot afford to do anything that might even turn one woman off because it will lower your odds further, and that’s the last thing you want.


Here are some more pretty funny thoughts on Ashely Madison profiles and messages I’ve read —Can All the Gentlemen of Ashley Madison Be This Stupid?
Testing the pathetic waters for sport and adventuremedium.com


Check out the new publication I’ve cofounded with MonalisaSmiledcalled P.S. I Hate You! For those stories that didn’t quite make you feel good, but taught you something the hard way —P.S. I Hate You
For every love story, there’s one about hate.medium.com


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© Teresa J Conway, 2021

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on April 8, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts, and I'm a fair-weather tweeter @tjconway69.

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