If you mess this up as a clergyman or other professional, it could be your first and last mistake as an adulterer
The first thing anyone thinking about cheating should do is get a throwaway email address. Anything you do with cheating should not lead back to you — at all. That throwaway email should not contain — your job title, occupation or profession; your college or high school nickname; your birth year; player number; hometown; or anything else that relates to you.
If hub or wifey ever sees it, it should not conjure up anything in their mind that will make them think of you.
For example, MinisterJosephSmith@gmail.com would be a bad example of an email address to use if you were Minister Joseph Smith, of The Church of the Redeemer, in Redmond, Washington. Why? I’m pretty sure Mrs. Minister J. Smith and the rest of your flock would recognize it too.*
*This is an example; there is no such Gmail, Minister, man, or Church in Redmond.
So why am I bringing this up now?
Today, while checking my Convertkit email list to see if I had any new subscribers before sending my weekly, I spotted something odd.
Checking for people who take the first step in signing up for my list, but not the second is something I look for. The first step is clicking the link like the one at the bottom of this page. When you do that, you become an “unconfirmed subscriber” until you open the automatic confirmation email sent to your account when you complete step one.
When you click the second one, with both know you meant to sign up.
I usually send the “unconfirmed” people a personal follow up email to remind them to click the second link to get a free pdf copy of my book (also mentioned below). Most people who don’t confirm right away never come back, but a few have, so it’s worth the effort.
So what was odd? The email at the top of the list was from… MinisterJosephSmith@gmail.com. And because I’m a curious bear who couldn’t believe her eyes, I googled Minister J. Smith, and in a few seconds, found where he works. I suppose I could have used my mad open-source intelligence analyst skills and found out everything about him I wanted to know, but I didn’t.
Why? Because I don’t care why he wanted to sign up or get a free copy of my book. I don’t care who he is or what he does. What I care about is him, his wellbeing, and his privacy. Thinking about cheating is natural whether you end up cheating or not. There’s no harm in exploring it, and I’m in no position to pass judgment on anyone who does.
So, I am not using this example to humiliate the man who sent me the actual email that resembled the one above. I am using it to show how easy it is to make that mistake.
You can imagine the harm subscribing to my email list would do to a Minister’s reputation. Had he signed up, he would have read this morning about how my lover titty-fucked me in a hotel room last week, but that’s another story (although a great reason to sign up for my email list — wink, wink).
The Minister is not alone in making this mistake
When I first started looking, I sent my lover an email from my personal account rather than my cheater account. In one press of a button, I put my entire life in his hands. Thank god they were the sweetest and most gentle hands my secret could have landed in. Otherwise, I could have been toast.
It was a rookie mistake that could have cost me a great deal. The error was also part of the reason I started researching my book. I can’t afford to make those mistakes, and neither can you, or anyone else, whether you are a clergyman or not.
Here’s the email I sent to the man this morning.
I see you took the first step in signing up for my email list, but didn’t confirm your subscription. If you clicked my link, you know what I write about. I email everyone who doesn’t confirm right away, just to be sure.
When I saw your email, I was a little surprised, so I googled it. Because passwords [I meant email addresses] are unique, I know I found you.
“Do not be afraid,” is what I recall the angels always saying, so don’t be afraid. I’m here for you more than you know.
But I want to give you some advice before you do anything else:
Make a new gmail address that conceals your identity. Use no nicknames, no pet names, no associated numbers, so that if someone googles it they will get nowhere. If your wife googles it, she won’t see you in it.
You don’t want to mix your real life with your double life, even if you never end up having a double life. If you are doing professional research (or what a politician would call plausible deniability here — hint hint) then I suppose it’s fine, but if it isn’t for that, then it isn’t.
Consider this your first lesson!
I went a decade without before I stepped out, and I know the holidays can be especially lonely as you pretend everything is ok. I also know no one is immune to the feelings that come from longterm neglect.
Whether it was for research or not, your secret is safe with me. I will delete your email address from my signup list and encourage you to sign up with your new email.
If you want to use me in a sermon and hold me up as a fallen woman, I’m fine with that too. I know what I am.
Let me know if you have any questions, I’m here for you,
I’m probably wrong, but here’s my read of Joseph. He thought he wanted to read my book because he’s thinking about cheating. He clearly cannot get caught, so is doing some research. The holidays are a bad time of year for sexually isolated people in marriages. When he received the second email, it scared him, and he realized he wasn’t ready to take the next step.
His Gmail address tells me it is his primary account for church business, so there’s no way he didn’t see the confirmation email, so he probably deleted it. I’m sure he felt a rush of shame and asked himself what he was doing. My guess there is a problem in his life that won’t be easily fixed if he’s thinking about cheating.
I don’t think he’s a skin hound because someone like that would already have a cheater account and wouldn’t have hesitated in signing up.
Wherever he is and whoever he is, I wish I could give him a little hug and tell him it’ll be ok.
No one deserves to feel so alone in a marriage that they have to look for someone else to overcome it.
Are you thinking about stepping out? Check out the Adultery Academy and follow our 12 guided lessons that walk you through the birth, life, and death of an affair —Welcome to the Adultery Academy!
If you’re thinking about cheating, you’ve come to the right place.medium.com
Join my email list — HERE and get a free pdf copy of my ebook —How to Cheat — Field Notes from an Adulteress
Why I wrote a book on cheating.medium.com
© Teresa J. Conway, 2020
By Teresa J Conway on .
Exported from Medium on April 8, 2021.