The Dear Abby of adultery
DEAR TERESA: My boyfriend peed in our bed, what should I do?
DEAR NOAH’S WIFE: Change the sheets and make sure he’s not a serial killer.
Not a cheating question, but Jesus, WTF, does he need a pull up?
DEAR TERESA: What if I think my wife is cheating?
DEAR THINKER: Ask yourself why you think that. Have you given her a reason to cheat? What could you do to treat her better? Try making her life easier and see if that changes the things that make you think she’s cheating on you.
Women cheat for a reason, so if you think they are, without being an idiot, maybe look around and see if there’s something you can do to remind her why she married you. As I always say, start by cleaning a toilet.
DEAR TERESA: Is there a difference in infidelity when you married for a short time in your mid-20s then when you cheat after +15 years married and in your 40+?
DEAR THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE: No, I wouldn’t say so. I would say that by time you cheat in your forties you really know what you want from a lover.
I said no, because it is still cheating, but when I started cheating in my forties it was because I knew exactly what I wanted. I could also feel time not only passing me by, but speeding up and there were things I wanted to try before I was 75.
DEAR TERESA: My husband has been obvious about cheating on me by his behavior & lies, but he will not admit to it. Why is that?
DEAR WIFE OF SCUMBAG: To me it sounds like he’s playing you. Unless he really doesn’t care, he’d be stealthy. I wonder if he isn’t trying to punish you for something.
This one seemed to me like a man who was acting out because he needed some attention or wanted to hurt his wife because supper was cold last week. This really is pathetic, because while I’m not about to admonish a cheater, there’s no reason to throw it in your partner’s face is there? Don’t be a scumbag.
DEAR TERESA: Why is it that I only attract married people into my life?
DEAR I DIDN’T READ YOUR QUESTION PROPERLY: You probably want something you can’t have.
Yeah, I missed the boat on this one, but it could be that subconsciously she’s the one paying attention to them and they’re picking that up. Or maybe she’s not sending out the “fuck off you’re married” signal loud enough. Men are pigs and wedding rings don’t mean much to them, but really, if that’s all you’re attracting, you might want to look in the mirror.
DEAR TERESA: Is it ok to forgive someone for cheating?
DEAR WHAT WOULD JESUS DO: Yes.
From a philosophical point of view, the answer to this question can be yes as likely as it can be no. I’m not about to say it’s easy to forgive someone, because I know how hard it is to get over someone stealing a parking spot, let alone fucking the milkman. When looking at a cheating partner, you have to put sex into perspective. What does sex outside of marriage mean when the person hasn’t just up and left? It means they want something you aren’t giving them, but they want the rest of the things you are giving them. What I don’t think is that cheating means an automatic end to a relationship.
DEAR TERESA: Why can’t wives provide what mistresses and side chicks provide?
DEAR BAGGAGE FREE SEX: It’s the excitement of getting caught. It’s forbidden, so sweeter as well. Also, when you have a mistress you don’t have all the baggage in the relationship that comes with marriage, so there’s no nagging or other responsibilities. Just sex and good times.
This is a big one. Cheating for the most part is play acting a role for a few hours. You can be the sexy submissive slut or play out your rape fantasy without wondering if Johnny finished his homework.
DEAR TERESA: I just got dumped by a cheating girlfriend and whenever I try to stop crying about this, tears keep pouring down my face and my chest also keeps hurting even more. Do I still have a chance to survive this pain?
DEAR GIVE IT TIME: Time will help. I know it hurts, but would you rather find out now or later? I think you are better off to see what sort of person she is, no matter how much it hurts now.
Heart break is tough, I get it, but just knowing it will pass is enough to get through it. This is especially important for cheaters to know. When you get dumped by an affair partner, you are still going to have to act like life is good. If you don’t think you can manage your ten-year-old’s birthday party at Chucky-Cheese with twenty of his closest friends the day after getting dumped by an affair partner you accidently fell in love with, cheating might not be for you.
DEAR TERESA: What would you do if you saw a man you liked but you were already married?
DEAR WHAT IF: I’d get to know him and see if we could have a fling. I usually use a cheating app though because it is best to cheat with someone completely outside of your circles. That way there’s less chance of mutuals seeing you together.
This is Adultery 101. The best way to hide an affair is to have it with someone no one you know, knows. The chances of cheating with anyone you know, means the people you associate with will probably have also seen him. And the more people who see the both of you together, the higher the risk that they will notice the little things lovers do, like whispers and inside jokes. Avoid all that, unless you really do want to end your primary relationship.
DEAR TERESA: If you thought your partner might be cheating and you had a suspicious phone number, would you call it?
DEAR SUSPICIOUS: Sure, but don’t use your own phone, or a phone of anyone you know. Use a public phone, that way they won’t know you are onto them. When you call, have a plan so that you don’t sound awkward. The best way is to make it as if you’ve dialed a wrong number. Ask for a name, repeated the number you thought you called by reversing a number, and ask them to confirm. Then thank them. Have a plan or they will know it’s you.
I’m not really into giving advice on tracking down cheaters, but if I teach people how to cheat, those same lessons can be used to track them down. But no matter what you do, have a plan. If you call up a random number without a plan you will sound like a moron. People who misdial don’t sound like morons, ergo, if you are called by a moron and have an awkward conversation, and are also having an affair, there is a great chance you have a security leak. If you are the caller, to avoid the cheater from knowing they have a security leak, you will act normal, try and find out what you can, and use that against the cheater. If you act like a moron on the phone, you might tip them off, and close off any leads you might have had.
DEAR TERESA: Should I speak to the woman he cheated on me with?
DEAR SHE ISN’T YOUR PROBLEM, HE IS: I don’t think so. I wouldn’t want to talk to his wife.
I’m not sure what the point of this would be. When your spouse cheats, your spouse is the problem, not the person he cheated with. Forget about them because anything they could say will only piss you off. From a cheater’s view point, I couldn’t give a shit about anything my lover’s wife has to say, and I’m certainly not sorry for fucking her husband.
DEAR TERESA: What are your thoughts on those who test their partner’s loyalty?
DEAR INVIGILATOR: If you think you need to test your spouse, either you have a problem with trust, or you suspect your spouse. Either way, once you test them, you can’t untest them, so be ready for that. What I would do first is make sure it wasn’t my own difficulty trusting people.
This is just plain dumb. Even if they aren’t cheating, testing someone means you don’t trust them, and if you don’t trust them, maybe they won’t trust you. I’d have been awfully insulted if my spouse had tested me, because I was loyal for 23 years and would have never thought of having an affair until I did. If he tested me in those years, I might have decided to cheat earlier, just to spite him.
DEAR TERESA: I sent my partner a text from a fake number on a whim. He answered and thought I was someone else. I caught him red handed. What should I do?
DEAR LEG-HOLD TRAP: What do you want to do? Keep your relationship? Leave? What will confronting him do for you? Until you figure that out, I’d hang on to it without doing anything.
Men like attention, and perhaps he got a bit of a thrill from it. I’m just wondering where your ‘whim’ came from. Did you have a feeling or were you just messing around?
I get the feeling there’s more going on, but perhaps you’re not ready to acknowledge it.
MRS LEG-HOLD TRAP RESPONDS: Thank you, Teresa. I had suspicions. I’ve been dealing with a sneaky narcissist. With COVID and all I had to be safe.
As I suspected, there was a little more to this question. Intuition is a powerful thing, but it isn’t magic. When you collect enough clues your subconscious mind will start putting them together in a way that you can’t ignore. Some people willfully ignore the evidence they have because they don’t want to believe it, but at a certain point, it will likely bubble over.
DEAR TERESA: If your spouse cheats on you 20+ years ago and only find out now, would you divorce? If your marriage was really good but now you have this to deal with, what would you do?
DEAR LEAVE IT IN THE PAST: I wouldn’t. Mistakes happen and it was 20 years before. It’s water under the bridge.
Like the forgiveness question above, if your spouse cheated 20 years ago, think of all the good stuff you had over those 20 years. Did the cheating undo all of that? No. If you were to look at it in a radically different way, maybe you could say the cheating made those 20 years better. Regaining the sex life I’d lost and having the emotional support of my affair partner has made me a better spouse. Is being a better spouse really such a bad thing? I don’t think so.
DEAR TERESA: How much do you hesitate to ask money from your significant others when there is a real need for you?
DEAR I’M SORRY YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK THIS QUESTION: I don’t and wouldn’t hesitate, but relationships work a little differently in Canada than in other parts of the world. Our money is jointly held and controlled. If there was a real need there wouldn’t be a question of using our money to get it.
This isn’t an adultery question, but is a good reminder that many women around the world live under the control of their husbands to the point they don’t know if they can ask for money. It is also these women who are often murdered under suspicion of infidelity, with little to no evidence. So when you think you have it bad, think of the women who live like this.
Check out my most popular (no I can’t believe it either) article on Medium here —Can All the Gentlemen of Ashley Madison Be This Stupid?
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© Teresa J Conway, 2021
By Teresa J Conway on .
Exported from Medium on April 8, 2021.
