8 Reasons Why Benjamin Franklin Chose GILFs as Side Chicks

Benjamin Franklin, OG GILF Hunter

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

Before he was the $100 bill guy, he was a dawg. In 1745, in between dodging lightning bolts and inventing bifocals, Ole Ben wrote a young friend to tell him he should get married. But if he didn’t get married and still wanted a little pussy, then he should chase GILF pussy because they were better for love on the down-low.

The Letter

But if you will not take this Counsel [advice], and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex [getting laid] inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours [lovers] you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox [backward], and demand my Reasons. They are these:

1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable [GILFs can carry their end of the conversation when their mouth isn’t on your cock].

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good [GILFs will work for it because they’re ugly]. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility [GILFs want to be useful to make up for being ugly]. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick [GILFs get shit done]. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman [GILFs try harder at being good].

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience [GILFs aren’t going to be your baby mama].

4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion [GILFs know how to hide in plain sight]. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation [GILFs aren’t out to burn you]. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes [Everyone appreciates a GILF who takes a young gentleman by the hand without giving him an STI].

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever [GILF lady parts are the last to go south]: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one [GILF pussy is just as sweet as a fresh one]. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement [GILF pussy’s had a little more practice].

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy [Destroying a GILF pussy isn’t going to ruin her day, let alone her life].

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy [the cock that upsets a virgin makes a GILFs happy].

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful [They truly are]!!

I’m not exactly sure what Ben meant by older women, but looking at life expectancies in 1750s, average people lived to around 35–40.

Ben wasn’t your average GILF hunter though, and lived to 84. Assuming his friends’ wives were equally healthy and long lived, Ben is likely talking about menopausal women in their mid-40s.

And I have to say, there’s a lot of fuck left in a woman in her mid to late 40s.

He probably learned GILFs were safer bets after fathering an illegitimate son in his 20s. Lucky for him Mrs. Franklin helped him raise the boy.

Later in life, when he was the US Ambassador to England and France, his reputation inspired poetry —

Franklin, tho`plagued with fumbling age
Needs nothing to excite him.
But is too ready to engage
When younger arms invite him.

I’m sure he didn’t mind.


If you liked that, you’ll like this —The Bible on Adultery, with Sister Teresa
When men write books, what could go wrong?medium.com


© Teresa J. Conway, 2020

By Teresa J Conway on .

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Exported from Medium on March 25, 2021.

Author of How to Cheat: Field Notes from an Adulteress, several short stories, I'm active on Medium @teresajconway where I sometimes share my blog posts, and I'm a fair-weather tweeter @tjconway69.

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