If you want to keep your primary relationship.
Only 25 you say? The less sexy side of your affair is the ground rules discussion that will help you both work out how it’s going to go and, more importantly, how it’s not going to go. It’s best to discuss them before your first sex date, so you start on the right foot.
Ground rules apply to long-term affairs and one-night-stands. So whether you plan to hook up once or take on a lover, there are things you’ll need to sort before you meet for sex.
Some of the rules here will apply to your situation, and others won’t, but you’ll figure those out and go from there. Setting ground rules early is best because the last thing you’ll want is your date to be ruined by something silly like diabetic shock.
These aren’t in any order, so how they appear does not suggest a particular ranking.
No-Go Areas. Can we meet at yours? Some places in town are better to go than others, based on where you live, what you do, and where your friends and family live. Figuring out where you both can’t go will help you figure out where you can go. Suburbanites who work downtown by day, makes it more likely no one they know will be downtown at night. Pick a place right for both of you, and while you should have some flex, never go anywhere you should avoid because it works better for him. It’s better to find a new affair partner than risk everything on a guy you’re not even sure you want to sleep with.
Personal Information. So, what does hubby do? Let them know you have info you aren’t willing to share. You don’t have to tell them what you won’t talk about, but you can say, ‘while we’re feeling this out, there’s some information I’m not comfortable sharing. By all means, ask questions, but know I have a few things I won’t talk about.’ You don’t want this guy following you home, so things to hold back are your full name, address, family info, places of work, or anything else that can help them track you down and blow up your life, if things don’t work out.
‘The first spouse I cheated on was when I was young. I told him I was out of town so I could spend the weekend with my affair partner, and we ended up going to a mall together for some reason. And at the mall, I ran into one of my spouse’s friends…’
Meeting Places. How about McDonald’s? Some meeting places are better than others. The first meeting should be in a relatively public area for your protection. The secluded park might be an excellent place to get fingered or give a hand job, but the first time out, you want people around in case there’s a problem. Be upfront about wanting people around if he tries to steer you toward a place you don’t want to go. This is a reasonable person test. Reasonable people are accommodating. If they aren’t, move on.
Option 1 — A slightly dumpy three-star hotel lounge or restaurant is a great place to meet. Think about an older place with cheaper rooms. Locals rarely go there, the parking lots are usually full enough to hide your car, and the wait staff will be around for your safety. Why three-stars? A higher rated hotel might attract people you know. The food won’t be great, but for a first date, it gets five-stars for safety.
Option 2 — Go somewhere you and your friends wouldn’t be caught dead in, like a Hooters. If you’re a higher-end housewife who wouldn’t be caught dead in the place, your high-end housewife friends aren’t going to stop in either.
Curfews and Time Limits. Bed time. Because he’s rented a room for the night doesn’t mean you can or want to stay. If he must be home by 10, make sure he makes it. If he only has an hour and a half, don’t go over. You want to make sure your affair partner gets home on time, or he might have a problem the next time, likewise, for yourself. Establishing your exit will help you pace the encounter. Setting a hard exit time will help you get out of a situation if it’s not working.
Cancellations. Where are you? Things come up, but tell them getting cancelled or left hanging a few times will mean you’ll start looking for a new affair partner. Let them know how long you’ll wait before leaving a meetup spot. If they cancel and you’re already there, you might have to wait because if that’s where you said the car would be and hub tracks you ‘on find my phone,’ you might not have a choice.
Spouse or Kids Call/Text. Hello? Do what you would typically do at any other time. If you don’t usually answer, don’t, if you always do, do. Tell your affair partner what you’ll do if a call comes in no matter what’s going on. Don’t change your regular habits to suit your affair, because people will notice.
Chemistry. I thought you were taller…Finding an affair partner isn’t only about sex, but sex with the right person. He might be ready to go, but you need some time. He might look a lot different in person than his photo. Whatever reason you have for taking it slow is valid. Tell them what you’re looking for before taking it further. This is a reasonable person test. Reasonable people will accommodate your needs and won’t make it hard when you say no. If they do something else they aren’t for you — which is why you didn’t give them info to track you down. Right?
Sex on First Date. Yes, let’s get a room. Don’t plan to have sex the first time you meet because it sets expectations you may regret. But even if you don’t plan on it, plan for it. You might have been kidding yourself about taking it slow. Why? He tells you how sexy you are, he’s gorgeous, and the next thing you know you’re in a bed. Bring condoms because it’s better to have and not need, than to need and not have. Remember, though, if you plan sex on the first date, it will be harder to get out of if things don’t click.
Consent. Having the same understanding of this is important. Just because you like one thing doesn’t mean you like something else. Saying yes to three things doesn’t mean it’ll be yes to thing four. You could say seven yeses and a no, and the no counts. A reasonable person will make sure they have consent and read your body language too. They will ask if unsure. If he puts his hands on your head as you blow him and you ask him to let go, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t have consent. If you open his pants, start rubbing him and he says it feels good, you have consent. If you push his hand down your pants and he resists, stop, you don’t have consent.
‘In cheating, everything is so under wraps that it’s SO easy for something to happen, and we literally have no recourse if it does. I’ve been in tricky situations where I ended up doing things I didn’t want to do. It’s complicated. But if I’d had a better grasp of consent and what that means to me, I’d have felt stronger and could have gotten out of there more easily. Live and learn.’
– Lucky Clover
They need to agree to stop when you say no. You need to agree to stop when they say no. You need to stop and ask when what you are about to do wasn’t cleared beforehand. You might have always wanted to put your finger up a man’s ass to the third knuckle and pop his prostate, but he needs to agree. Prepare a smooth path to consent by talking about the things you do and don’t want to try. Consent is sexy. Rape isn’t.
Sexual Preferences. Is that a blindfold? If you see yourself in bed in a same-sex situation threesome, tell them. Tell them your fantasies and the things you like. If you like a particular position or situation, tell him. Does she swallow? Will she let you cum on her face or hair? What about the back door, does he like ass-play? Talk it out, because this is the best way to get what you’ve always wanted but were afraid to ask your spouse for.
Sexual Dos. Are you ready? Talk about what you are going to do before you do it. Give them a warning and chance to think about it before doing that thing you want to do. Make it sexy. Let them know they can ask any questions and do the same. This is supposed to be fun for both of you. If he doesn’t want a pegging, don’t let it ruin your night, do something (or someone) else.
Sexual Don’ts. Who’s he? What people fantasize about isn’t always what they want to do. Don’t take things for granted and surprise her with something ‘fun.’ Your idea of gentle may not be hers. Don’t pressure them. Don’t set up a threesome without asking because she said being with two men was her fantasy when you don’t know if she really wants it.
Protection. I forgot condoms! She’ll want to know if you’re V-Safe (had a vasectomy). He’ll want to know if you are on the pill. Who will bring the condoms if you use them? Let them know when your last sexually transmitted infection screening was and ask about theirs. Tell them if you’ve had an STI before and ask if they have. Talk about how many sexual partners you currently have and what sort of protection you use with them. This one is a little awkward and expect them to lie, but it’s worth asking. It might be none. It might be five. Always assume it’s more than one and use protection.
Pro Tip Ladies — If you and hubby are sexually active, use a condom because if you get home from ‘book club’ and he’s horny, you’re going to have to play ball if that’s what you’d normally do. If your glove’s wet from practice, he’ll know he wasn’t the first batter.
Hygiene Requirements. Want some gum? Will you need a shower before sex? Will you need a shower afterwards? Will they? Should you bring wet wipes? Do you need a towel for the back seat? Will the sheets need changing because you squirt (will he need goggles)? If you’re not as clean as you could be, let them know and adjust accordingly; don’t let them find out for themselves.
Body Marks. WTF did you just do? Don’t give or accept marks on your body you haven’t previously agreed to. You both have to go home. If your affair partner thinks marking you is somehow funny or sexy, you need to consider why the person is trying to blow up your life. How would you explain a bruised nipple or breast to your spouse? You might be surprised to learn your affair partner’s relationship allows for it so find out. If your affair partner leaves a mark, have a story ready. Stage an ‘accident’ at home, work, or the gym to explain it. Or have lights off sex with your spouse, steer them to the area, and blame them in the morning.
‘Yup, been there. I told my husband that I “bumped into a clothing rack at Nieman Marcus.” I can only use that lie once, and it was questionable at best.’
– Lucky Clover
A mark could blow up your affair partner’s life in a heartbeat. If you destroy your affair partner’s life because of this, you’re an asshole. And they might blow up your life by calling it sexual assault. People can get very petty when you fuck with them, so don’t leave marks without permission.
Going Dutch. Did you see my wallet? Cash is hard to come by in a cashless society. Talking about money is awkward, but $200 isn’t going to magically appear to pay the hotel bill. Figure it out in advance because there is enormous risk if one of you has to pay by credit card. Going Dutch isn’t usually a problem, but remember there are guys in her inbox who can treat her, so pay up! I came across one complainer who did some math and figured a hooker was cheaper than a date. I’d agree, except for two things — a hooker doesn’t want it as much as you do, but if you treat your date right, the next time might not cost as much. Hookers? They cost the same every time.
Photos & Recordings. Say cheese! How does he feel about being recorded? How do you feel? Ask if he’s recorded anyone before and tell him if you have. Ask if it is ok to recorder her face? Can anyone’s face be in the frame? Do you want to see the pictures he took to approve them? You should never have your face in a nude, but sometimes you might agree. What happens to the pics afterwards? If she’s a Hotwife, she might want you to talk to her husband through a camera so you can tell him how good she is. Will you do it? Will you let hubby be in the room to make a video?
Scents and Odours. Is that you? Discuss scent and odour preferences. Neither of you wants to go home smelling like someone else. Your affair partner’s taste in scents will differ from your spouse’s, making it best to avoid fragrances altogether. You have an odour free workplace; have an odour free affair. You should avoid smelling differently than what’s expected too. If you say you are going to the gym, you shouldn’t come home smelling like cigarettes and beer, or your best perfume. This can be a challenge because you naturally want to smell good for your affair partner. Settle for being clean. Your spouse knows what you should smell like, including your soaps and shampoos. Memories around scents can be potent. Be clean when you get home — but not cleaner than when you left.
Drug and Alcohol Use. Dude, where’s my car? Are they 420 friendly and are you ok with it? How much do they drink? Ask because getting drunk or high together is dangerous if things get out of hand, whether you have to drive or not. Having a glass of wine or a beer can be nice but tell them upfront what you expect — ‘this is gym night, so no drinks.’
Pre-Existing Medical Issues. Do you smell burnt toast? If they’re older, they will likely have a thing or two going on. It’s normal. It’s good to disclose this information beforehand, in the event it comes up while you are in the backseat of her car. Everyone loves a MILF or the old/young combo, but her legs might not go like that anymore. He might need Viagra 30 minutes before showtime. Is he a diabetic? Does she have food allergies? You don’t need to go into details, but knowing what to expect beforehand is better.
‘The guy I was supposed to meet was quiet for a few days, then texted me and said he was in the hospital! He’d had a stroke!’
Medical Emergencies. 911, what is your emergency? What are you going to do if it happens? Does he want you to call 911 and hit the road? Do you stay with her? People die during sex from natural causes, but it’s good to know if her pre-existing condition could lead to a medical emergency. Do you know basic first aid? Can you help someone choking or bleeding? Do you know how to help a person with diabetes or what the symptoms of diabetic shock are? What are the signs of a stroke? The signs of a heart attack? Dealing with a medical emergency can blow up quickly. There’ll be police, paramedics, firemen, and who knows who else there asking questions. Is that something you are ready for? Knowing their pre-existing conditions will prepare you for a crisis or help you decide someone else would be better. A heart attack will ruin your night.
Define Expectations. Are you still here? Talk about what each of you is looking for. A partner in crime, a pastime, a side chick, something long term, short term, a one-night stand. Just because you had pretty good sex once doesn’t mean you want to go back. You don’t need to tell them if you have or want multiple affair partners even if they ask, as long as you practice safe sex. Say you are looking for an exclusive partner if you are. Some people might be into it, and others will tell you it’s not their thing.
The L-Word. Adrian! Be wary here. You need to agree on what you are looking for and be ready to call it off if your feelings go beyond what you planned. You have no control over who you fall in love with, and neither do they. It might be a one-way street or mutual. No matter what, it complicates things immensely. I don’t recommend it, so consider yourself warned! Also, I am in love with my affair partner, so there’s that…
Rings on/Rings off. Did you pick up my ring? What’s it going to be? Two married people out for dinner can look like a couple or two married friends or colleagues having dinner. If you usually wear your rings and you take them off with your affair partner, what will people think if they see you? If they know you’re married, and notice you aren’t wearing your ring, it will attract attention. What if you take it off and leave it in the hotel room? I leave mine on because it’s easier, but your conscience might not let you do that. You’ll both have to decide what to do.
Ending It. It’s you, not me. The duration you expect will tell you when it’s essential to have this discussion. Your expectations of a one-night stand might be clear if you’re only in town for the week. Saying the L-word could be another reason to end it. Or, you might set a time limit based on something going on in your life, like a pregnant wife. Whatever it is, discuss how you plan to end it. Talking about ending an affair is like negotiating a prenuptial agreement. Discussing it is awkward at best and deal-breaking at worst. You both already know nothing is forever, because you wouldn’t be having an affair otherwise.
Ground rules up front will save tears later. Not everyone can muster the courage to talk about some of these things, but what’s nice about having an affair is it’s mostly about sex. If you can’t talk to your affair partner about sex, you might want to rethink why you’re risking everything.
You might regret the affair, but never regret the sex.
Are you thinking about stepping out? Check out the Adultery Academy and follow our 12 guided lessons that walk you through the birth, life, and death of an affair —Welcome to the Adultery Academy!
If you’re thinking about cheating, you’ve come to the right place.medium.com
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© Teresa J. Conway, 2020
By Teresa J Conway on .
Exported from Medium on March 4, 2021.